Charlotte Chronicles XLIII

August 28, 2014  | Charlotte Chronicles  | (1)

Need to catch up? Here’s a link to Charlotte Chronicles from the beginning.

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Charlotte

“You had sex with him didn’t you?” Reese says with utter disgust. I should have never skyped him when I got to my new hotel room.

“How can you tell?”

“You have that relaxed post coital look to you. I cm recognize it anywhere. Even strangers. It’s my gift.”

“I don’t feel relaxed.” I complain. “I feel awful and super tense.”

“Was it bad? Sometimes those good looking guys are bad in bed. They hook up and never go return for feedback so they live in this blissful cloud of ignorance.” He waves a finger in a wide circle around his head which, I guess, is supposed to indicate a hovering cloud.

“I wish. It was so good. Too good,” I groan.

“Shit.”

Exactly. “He said he hadn’t touched another woman in nine years.”

“Holy fuck. Nine years?” Reese’s eyes are wide doughnuts. Disbelief drips from every word.

“I know. I couldn’t turn him down after he said that.”

He nods in agreement. “Did you believe him?”

“I don’t know.” I want to believe him but I’m afraid as well because if he has been true for all these years pushing him away might be a mistake. I didn’t tell Reese that Nate was insatiable and that he didn’t let me sleep more than an hour at a time before waking me with his fingers or his mouth somewhere on my body. “What do I do now? Can it be this good with someone else? I mean, I wish it had been awful. Then I could pat him on the back and say, gosh I’m sorry you didn’t write to me for nine years but hey I’m glad we’re friends again. Instead, it’s as if I’ve eaten the best thing ever and I need refills right away or I might die.”

“You’re not going to die, honey. Here’s the problem.You care about him which is affecting how you feel in the sack. I’m going to take back my prescriptions of three one night stands. I think that will only make you feel worse. You need to start dating, and by that I mean, sign up on a website and start searching for guys that hit every mark you’ve ever wanted. Someone who is close to their family. Someone who is busy with their own career so that they don’t mind the time you spend on yours but also someone who wants to build a future with you. Someone who makes you laugh and can communicate with you.”

“Like you only not gay.”

“Right, although we all know that I really can’t stand my family.”

“True.” Reese’s parents were conservatives who’ve never quite accepted he preferred boys over girls. “There’s actually someone I know fits that description perfectly and is not gay.”

“Who?”

“Colin Matthews.”

He sucks in a breath and follows this with a yell. “You know Colin fucking Matthews?”

I’m glad Reese is in his condo although it’s possible by the way he shouted it out that every one in his complex heard him. I wait until he settles down before admitting, “He’s my LA guy.”

“Charlotte Randolph, you have been holding out on me. How do you know all these fine specimens?”

“We were at the same treatment clinic in Switzerland as teenagers.”

He looks at me with chagrin and I shrug because that part of my life is over. I used to take a cocktail of drugs daily but I’ve been declared clean of the malignant cells for over five years.

“I had forgotten he had cancer. Yes, go do him. He sounds perfect. And he looks perfect.” Reese’s eyes get a far away look as if he’s imagining how perfect Colin Matthews might look without his clothes on. I’ve seen Colin in a swimsuit and his abs are movie star perfect.

“He’s pretty gorgeous and a super guy,” I admit.

Reese shakes his head. “Why aren’t you on the phone with him right now? I’m disconnecting because you’re wasting time talking to me.” He blows me a kiss and the screen goes blank.

Dumbfounded I stare at the black tablet screen. I can’t call Colin up and beg him to start dating me. I don’t even think I can ask him for a date. But I can call him and tell him I’ve fucked up. Later, though. I’m not ready for that conversation.

As I sink into my work, a text message alert sounds. I read the bubble before I register the name.

I’ve spent nine years running from you and your sweetness. Biggest mistake of my life. If it takes nine more years to convince you that I’m worth a second chance, I’ll consider those nine years well spent. I will do whatever it takes to get you back. Fair warning.

My heart stutters and may have even stopped. I call Colin immediately because otherwise? I’d be driving to Nate’s base and throwing myself at his feet.

“Hey Charlie.”

I can hear traffic on the street. He must be going somewhere.

“Are you going surfing?”

“Are you following me?” He says with laughing suspicion. My heart ache eases a little bit hearing his voice.

“No, I guessed. It sounds like you’re driving and since it’s fairly early in the morning, I thought you might be on the way to the beach to catch some waves.”

“You are a champion guesser because that’s exactly what I’m doing. In fact I’m pulling into the parking lot.” The traffic sounds dim as he exits the road and parks his vehicle in the quiet of the sandy beach. I’ve been with him a couple of times. I don’t surf, but I’m really great at lying under an umbrella reading a book while he catches waves.

“I’m in San Diego and I’d love to visit you. I’m finishing up a project and I thought I’d drive up,” I say.

“Actually I’d love an excuse to get out of LA right now,” he admits. He’s out of the car now. I hear the door open and close.

“Is it becoming stifling?” Colin flits from one flower to another, never settling. At one time, I thought he’d fallen in love. He’d called me and wanted me to come out and meet her but before I could make the arrangements he had texted me that it was over and he was coming to Chicago to see me. It was during that visit he’d made his first pass at me.

“Yes, someone said the L word to me the other day. I want you to know that I didn’t jump up immediately and flee but waited until the next morning like a good boy.”

“Wow, so generous of you.”

“It took everything I had to stay. I literally was counting the seconds. If there is a purgatory, I deserve to reduce my time there based on last night alone.”

I laugh. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Incorrigible? Are you reading the dictionary?”

“Fuck you, Colin.”

“I’ve been trying to get in your pants for nearly a decade so yes, I accept this invitation.” When I don’t immediately lob back a joking refusal as is my habit, he strikes. “Charlie, are you actually giving me a green light?”

“You know that one girl you dated?” I duck his question.

He sighs. “Which one? There were so many.”

“The actress. Gen? I felt like she was the one for you.”

There are several beats of silence before Colin replies. “She broke my rule. The no publicity one. It’s the only one I have.”

“I know honey.” I can still hear the hurt even though he tries to pretend he is over it. “How can you be sure though?”

“She admitted it. I confronted her and she said is that what you think happened and I said yes. She stared at me and replied then that’s what happened and walked out. I changed the locks and had all of her stuff delivered.”

“Did she ever call you or try to teach out?”

“Who knows? I flew to Chicago to see you if you recall.”

“She seemed so real, so genuine. It’s hard to believe she leaked anything to the paps.”

“Why are we talking about this? Gen is old news.”

“I just wish one of us was happy.” Colin is a great guy and it pains me that he was hurt so badly by a girl who’d seemed perfect for him.

“I thought you were happy Charlotte? In fact, the last time I saw you I suggested we see how far our friendship could extend and you replied that you didn’t want to ruin anything because you were happy the way things were. And now you’re not happy?” He sounds amused instead of angry.

“Happiness is an elusive emotion. Maybe we shouldn’t pursue it. Maybe the thing we should run after is contentment.” I rub my head because this whole conversation is giving me a headache.

“Why did you call me?” He asks softly. “Did something happen?”

Then it hits me what I’m doing. I’m trying to use my dear friend Colin to chase away my need for Nathan. How could I behave like this? Colin doesn’t deserve this. No one does. I stiffen my spine. “I’m calling you because you are one of my oldest friends. I was feeling blue and needed to talk to someone I cared about. I wish we could love each other in a deeper, more physical way but I think we both know that we’re better off friends than lovers.”

“I guess this means no, you’re not going to drive up and give me the night of my life.”

“I think you’re still in love with Gen and I…I’m still screwed up over Nathan. I don’t want to lose your friendship. My relationship with you is one of the great things in my life.” I say.

“I hate to tell you this but if a friendship with a guy you see twice a year is one of the great things in your life, you have a pretty sucky life.” I don’t deny it. He exhales. “Did you see Nathan recently?”

“A few hours ago,” I admit. “I think you can guess what happened. You don’t need to tell me I was being stupid. I know it already.”

“I would be the last person to berate you,” Colin laughs ruefully. “If Gen showed up, I’d throw her down on the bed and fuck her silly. After I’d spend the next day drinking away my self loathing. Since you’re not going to forget your sorrows on my dick, why not go down to your hotel bar and get smashed. Once you’re too drunk to stand up, you’ll forget all about the asshole. It works for me.”

“What happens when the alcohol wears off?”

“Rinse and repeat, Charlie. Rinse and repeat.” He sounds so tired.

“Come down here. Spend the week with me. We’ll go sailing or hell, just lie on the beach together. And after you and I can go somewhere.We could fly to Japan and eat at that sushi restaurant in that documentary you made me watch,” I suggest impulsively. We need to get away from the source of our hurts and maybe if we were alone we could open ourselves up to finding something better than happiness. It would be less painful.

“If I do, I’m insisting on double beds. I don’t want you attacking me in the middle of the night because you’re lonely. I’m not a toy.”

He says this as a joke but I think half of him is serious. He’s tired of being treated like a toy by women and honestly I wonder if I’m Nathan’s toy. Something to pick up, play with and discard. Colin hangs up saying that he has a few things to take care of before he can drive down. He’ll text me in a couple of days. I make another list of all the things I need to do for Christian and his family and buckle down to do my work. I manage to keep Nate out of my thoughts for thirty minutes at a time which I figure is some kind of mild success. Work isn’t as numbing as alcohol but it’s probably better for me.

I work through dinner and it’s almost ten before I put away my phone and computer for the evening. When I crawl between the clean, crisp sheets, I nearly cry tears of relief that I’m not back at the Del in the room where Nate imprinted himself on every surface in the short time he was there.

But when I close my eyes, I can see him—and me. I can see me pressed up against the mirror in the bathroom, my hands making starfish prints as I brace myself against his thrusts. I can hear his harsh breathing, his commands to come, come now Charlotte. There was that passage of time that felt endless when he was between my legs, licking me softly and leisurely as if there wasn’t anything in this world that gave him more pleasure than helping me find my own. I touch myself but it’s useless. My body wants one thing–Nathan Jackson.

I’m on fire and the ache of want is so acute it’s like a knife in my chest. I’ve had multiple surgeries, chemo treatments, radiation but that’s nothing compared to what I feel now.

Time and distance had dulled my pain and that my desire and love for Nathan had actually started to ease only to be stoked into high, hot flames by his reappearance in my life.

He is both the poison and the antidote.

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Need to catch up? Here’s a link to Charlotte Chronicles from the beginning.